I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
