Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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