I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
