I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize