Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
PS: I just woke up from my shower
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize