woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
