MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
