so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
