you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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