Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
