the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
