I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
