There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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