birth control should be required to get into college
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize