right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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