i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
