I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
