sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
