i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
