dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
