Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
