I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
pray to the hookup gods
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
