Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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