why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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