i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
