The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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