I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
