Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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