We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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