I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
