New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
