When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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