I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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