can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
