Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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