All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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