12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
