he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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