youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
