i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
