One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
