Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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