He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
