you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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