I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
