Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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