Just fell off a train. Bad.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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