when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize