Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
