I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
