Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
