I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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