Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What a dumb baby whore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize