Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
