I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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