Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
