i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
