oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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