I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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